


May Whatever Breaks be Reconstructed (by the Sea)

by cminerva



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Feels, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, background Olivia Benson/Ed Tucker, i love these boys but it won't be a happy ending, i'm sorry folks, unless you stop after chapter three
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:29:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cminerva/pseuds/cminerva
Summary: This could be the beginning of something real for Rafael Barba and Sonny Carisi, but old hurts get in the way.
Relationships: Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr. & Amanda Rollins, Rafael Barba & Olivia Benson, Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 26





	1. Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Myself](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Myself/gifts).



> Title from "Ode to Broken Things" by Pablo Neruda. Many thanks to What_a_mess for enduring this roller coaster of emotions when I first wrote it in 2017 and now again as I've unearthed it. And for helping with the title!

Rafael Barba wasn’t exactly sure how this new routine had developed, how Sonny Carisi had somehow insinuated himself into Rafael’s daily life, but he wasn’t going to complain. Having the younger man linger in his office after work while the ADA wrapped up the odd stack of paperwork was new, but nice. He very much missed drinking scotch in his office with Olivia Benson, missed sinking back into his leather couch and chatting and letting the stress of their jobs melt away for just a few moments. But the lieutenant had a kid now and he couldn’t begrudge her wanting to rush home most evenings.

So here he was. Sitting in his shirtsleeves, neck deep in work, half listening to the man on his left but wholly aware of that man’s presence in this office. At the moment, Sonny was gearing up to say what had clearly been on his mind for some time.

“I screwed up again today. Couldn't get my foot out of my mouth.”

Rafael waited a beat.

“Oh, I’m sorry, is this where I’m supposed to act surprised?”

The detective laughed, looking a little abashed.

“What did you do this time?” Rafael prodded, accepting that maybe he wasn’t actually going to make it through any of his work tonight.

“Rollins and I were interviewing the witness in that kidnapping case and I, what is it? Mis-labeled them? No,” Sonny seemed confused. “I used the wrong pronouns again. Mis-gendered? Is that right?”

Rafael frowned.

“You do know what transgender means, right?”

“Of course! I mean, I do now. After working at SVU. Rollins had to explain a few things.”

“So what happened?”

“Well the wo-” Sonny paused and frowned at himself, “The person, they were, you know... neither.”

“Non-binary?”

“Yeah, that's it. That's what they said. I kept messing up though. 'They’ just sounds plural, you know?”

Rafael sighed. “Carisi-”

The detective cut him off.

“I know, I was wrong,” he said hastily. “this just isn't stuff you necessarily grow up knowing on Staten Island. Especially not in my family.”

He said all this defensively and, Rafael, thought, a little shamefully.

“There’s quite a few things my family didn’t really know about or accept,” Sonny continued, eyes down and his voice a little quieter than usual. Rafael’s chest tightened.  _ Don’t read into that _ , he told himself.

“It's okay,” he said, laying his hand on the other man's warm forearm. “You do the best you can until you learn better.”

“That's the thing,” Sonny responded, his eyes rising to Rafael’s again. “In this job I need to know better to begin with. I thought about signing up for a class.”

“Sensitivity training?” Rafael asked, his lips quirking up into a half smile.

“No, like a real class about gender identity. There's a few places that offer online classes, but I'm hoping I can find something that meets at night or on the weekends.”

“On top of SVU and law school?” Rafael pulled back in surprise and wished he hadn't. Sonny hadn't seemed to mind the other man's hand on his arm and the loss of that contact made the ADA feel much colder than he should have.

Sonny shrugged.

The detective looked down at his feet again then met Rafael's eye.

“I just figure it's important, you know?”

He chattered for a few moments, listing some of the courses he'd looked into, articles on gender he had tried to understand, Rollins’ kind but strict lecture on their way back from the interview. Rafael half listened, his eyes dropping involuntarily to the other man's lips. Those absurdly pink lips. Not a quality he generally found attractive, but there were plenty of things about Sonny Carisi that Rafael had come to find attractive over the past few months.

Somehow his overeager shadow had become a welcome part of his day, a familiar presence he had become used to. The traits Rafael wouldn’t normally appreciate - the desire to impress, the constant chatter, that  _ ridiculous _ accent - he found increasingly appealing. And now here he was, not just trying to avoid offense, but actually going out of his way to understand. Damn if he wasn't just a decent man. 

“Counselor?” Sonny was staring at him now. Rafael had gotten lost in his thoughts. “Everything okay?”

Rafael snapped back to himself.

“Fine. For the record, I think the class is a good idea.”

Sonny beamed. “Thanks..”

“Would you like to get coffee tomorrow morning?”

The detective grinned, that lopsided smile that caused half his face to crinkle in a way that made Rafael Rafael’s heart skip.

“Yeah, that'd be great. You and the lieutenant usually meet at that corner coffee cart at what, eight?”

“Ah yes, actually...” Rafael trailed off and chose his words carefully. “I was thinking it would just be the two of us. Say, eight o’clock at Abraco?”

Sonny’s eyebrows lifted slightly but he smiled.

“That fancy new place?”

“My treat.”

Rafael’s eyes met Sonny’s and held him as long as he could. Did the other man understand this was a date? Would he be saying yes if he did? Should he back out now and say Liv would probably join them too? Could he be any more pathetic?

Sonny took mercy on him and accepted.

“Sounds great,” he smiled again after he spoke. “Tomorrow at eight.”

Rafael barely held in his sigh of relief and didn’t even try to hide his own smile.

“Go home Carisi,” he said. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Bye Counselor,” Sonny replied, grabbing his suit jacket from the side of his chair and, so gently Rafael could have dreamt it, grazed Rafael’s shoulder with his fingertips. “See you tomorrow.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cute coffeeshop date fluff to come. I promise I'll provide a warning before the angst in case anyone wants to pretend it all ends well!


	2. Wednesday

Blue with the diagonal brown stripes? Or the pale pink? But that would require a new shirt, and settling on the dark blue had taken long enough. Yellow. Yellow would look good, right?

Rafael hummed in annoyance. Getting dressed wasn't typically this difficult. Generally he could pick a suit, dress shirt, tie, and pocket square at random and still be happy with the outcome. Today he had trouble settling on a pair of socks.

The ADA grabbed his phone and made a call almost without thinking. Olivia Benson answered on the fourth ring.

“Please tell me this isn't about the Wilson case.”

“Good morning to you too, Liv,” Rafael replied, putting the phone on speaker and tossing it onto his dresser.

“It will be once you tell me this call has nothing to do with Wilson. My detectives did not coerce that witness and Calhoun has no grounds to-”

“We can debate that later,” Rafael interrupted, frowning at himself in the mirror and tossing his yellow tie into the bed. “Listen, I need your help.”

“Oh, of course,” Olivia’s voice softened immediately. “What do you need?”

Rafael could hear clattering in the background and a small voice saying “juice” on repeat. 

“Just a little fashion advice.” Rafael grabbed another handful of ties from his closet and quashed the flicker of guilt he felt at distracting the lieutenant during some rare time with her son.

Olivia laughed. 

“You want  _ my  _ help? Last time I commented on your clothes you told me to quote, 'get my house in order first’.”

“Hmm, yeah that's true,” Rafael replied absently while holding up a purple paisley tie next to his neck. “But I need to make an exception today. I need a tie and I can’t settle on one. Nothing seems quite right.”

“Okay, well how about that red one? That one always looks sharp.”

Rafael pulled his gaze away from the mirror to shoot a scornful glance at the phone.

“I wore that one two days ago. Dear God, Liv, who do you think I am?”

He could almost hear her rolling her eyes.

“No, not you. It's Barba.”

Her voice has taken on a different quality, something not meant for him. Tucker was there too, damn. Now he really felt guilty.

“You know what, don't worry about it.”

“No, no, no,” Olivia said quickly. “I may never have this chance again! Um, there's a blue and yellow stripe one, right? Kind of a diagonal type pattern?”

Rafael rifled through the pile of discarded ties on his bed and gave an affirmative “mhm”.

“How about that one? With a blue shirt?” Olivia sounded hopeful. Rafael smiled to himself. It wasn't one of his favorite combinations, but she was trying. 

“That's a good one, Liv. Thanks. Sorry I interrupted your breakfast.”

“You did  _ not _ interrupt,” she assured him, her tone warm and genuine. “You can call any time. Will I see you at the cart for coffee around eight?”

“Ah, no,” Rafael replied slowly. “I, uh, have other plans.”

“Oh. Okay,” she sounded a bit taken aback. “Well I'll see you before the grand jury this afternoon then.”

She paused, then ventured slowly. “Are these other plans the reason you suddenly need a second opinion on your outfit?”

“Maybe,” Rafael replied quickly. “Thanks Liv, gotta go. Say hi to Tucker. And Noah.”

He hung up before she could say goodbye.

Olivia barely glanced up as Detective Carisi, large coffee cup in hand, tapped his knuckles on her door in greeting. 

“Morning, lieutenant.”

“Good morning, Carisi,” she said, quickly returning to her paperwork.

She could hear Amanda greet Sonny as he sat down at his desk.

“What the hell, man? You tried Abraco without me and didn't even bring me anything?”

Olivia couldn't tell if the outrage was real or put on.

“C’mon Amanda, you know I can barely afford to step foot in that place, let alone treat the whole precinct.”

“Okay, not the whole precinct, but maybe a small latte for your best friend?”

Amanda was definitely teasing now.

“After you spoiled The Bachelorette finale for me last week? I don't think so.”

The two detectives continued their banter, but Olivia stared at the file in front of her and shook her head with a sigh. She knew who  _ could _ afford to step foot inside the fancy coffee shop two blocks away. 

She picked up her cellphone. Rafael answered on the first ring.

“Should I be hurt you've never taken  _ me  _ to Abraco?” 

There was a telltale pause.

“How...did-?” the normally loquacious ADA was at a loss.

“I'm a detective,” she responded dryly. “And before you say anything, I don’t want to know any more. If this is what I think it is, I can’t know any more about it than I already do.”

A beat, then Rafael replied, his voice softer than usual.

“I know,” he sounded a little wistful. “Thanks for the help this morning. It was a good choice.”

She smiled and her eyes flicked up to watch Sonny at his desk, one hand gently resting on the coffee cup in front of him, a happy smile on his face.

“Sure was. Listen, I’m sorry we can’t…” Can't what, she thought to herself, chat about boys? Plan a double date? She started over. “You many never want my advice again, but if you do, I’ll be happy to help.”

“Thanks, Liv.” Rafael sounded pleased, even a little relieved. “But maybe try a little harder to pay attention to what I’ve worn recently? Maybe learn a few more fashion terms. Paisley and ombre would be good words to add to your vocabulary.”

“Okay, I'm hanging up now.”

He laughed. Outside her office, Sonny was laughing too. Olivia smiled. It was nice, even if she couldn't think too much about it.


	3. Wednesday (again)

Rafael was early. Normally that would give him a sense of control over any situation, but today he thought it made him seem overeager and he flushed with embarrassment. To distract himself he glanced his reflection in the coffee window and adjusted his tie. The one Liv has suggested, if a bit vaguely and at random he thought. It was nice of her to talk to him at all though, considering he had inserted himself into her morning when she should have been focused on her son and boyfriend. He wished he could have said more about why he was really calling. If she knew it was nerves and not a sudden loss of taste that had caused him to pick up the phone...

Fifteen minutes to go. Rafael glanced at his phone and grimaced. He  _ was _ overeager. 

_ What an idiot _ , he thought to himself. 

A moment later a familiar and oh so welcome face emerged from the crowd. Fourteen minutes early. Carisi was eager too. Rafael laughed inwardly and shook his head at himself.

The detective made his way into the coffee shop and looked around, clearly impressed.

“Wow, swanky place, Counselor,” he remarked as he joined Rafael at his table. The younger man smiled softly and glanced down at the ADA’s chest. “Nice tie. I always liked that one.”

Rafael smiled, then laughed out loud, feeling his stomach unknot. Sonny smiled too, a bit bemused. “So what's good here?”

  


The line for coffee took a fair amount of time, so despite each arriving earlier than planned, the two men had to order their drinks to go. It wasn't quite what Rafael had hoped for when he'd asked Sonny out for coffee, his careful phrasing and meaningful looks implying a bit more than just a caffeine run with a colleague. At least he hoped that's the message he had passed on. The detective was his normal self and the long wait for their drinks did not feel much like a date, even if the ADA had paid for the coffees.

And yet, on the way out the door, Sonny's hand pressed briefly on Rafael's back as they passed through. And when they paused outside the shop to chat briefly before heading to their respective offices, the younger man stood close and their knuckles brushed once, twice, three times as they held their coffees at waist height. It was only later at his office that Rafael realized Sonny must have been holding his cup in his left hand for that very reason. That thought alone kept a small smile on his lips for at least an hour.

Neither man said the word “date”, but Rafael could only smile and nod when Sonny asked if he was free for lunch.

Once he and the detective had parted ways, Rafael grabbed his phone, his thumb hovering over the contact marked “Liv”. He stared at her number for a moment, his good mood fading a bit. A coffee date with Sonny Carisi was probably the best idea he'd had in a long while, but professionally speaking, dating a coworker was undoubtedly a Bad Idea. Liv would probably have his guts for garters if she knew he was involved with one of her detectives, or hoping to be at least.

He was slipping the phone back into his pocket when it rang. It was Olivia.

“Liv,” he said, answering on the first ring. His mouth fell open at her reply. She knew.

She knew, but she also understood where the line needed to be drawn.

When Rafael responded his voice was wistful. This new, unbelievably good possibility was opening up in his life and he couldn't share it with one of the only people he actually trusted.

“I know,” he replied. “Thanks for the help this morning. It was a good choice.”

_ He liked the tie _ , Rafael wanted to tell her.

“Sure was. Listen, I’m sorry we can’t…” Olivia drifted off but Rafael heard the regret in her voice and he felt a rush of affection for her. “You many never want my advice again, but if you do, I’ll be happy to help.”

“Thanks, Liv,” Rafael responded. To his horror he felt emotion creeping into his voice and he quickly fought for some levity. “But maybe try a little harder to pay attention to what I’ve worn recently? Maybe learn a few more fashion terms. Paisley and ombre would be good words to add to your vocabulary."

“Okay, I'm hanging up now.”

Rafael laughed and when she did hang up, he grinned again and marched into his office a happy man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really proud of the next two chapters, which are full of the warmth and gentle care (and laughter) of friendship, but if you were here for the Lawyer Boyfriend Fluff you can consider this the end of the fic! Angst fans, stay tuned.


	4. Thursday & Friday

Thursday afternoon found Rafael in his office, rifling through papers and debating the merits of heading home early. A light knock at his door followed by the appearance of Sonny Carisi made him glad he had decided to stay.

“Liv keeping you busy?” Rafael asked. “I haven't seen you since our lunch yesterday.”

“Yeah, uh, it was a great lunch,” Sonny replied, a beat too late. Rafael was too absorbed in admiring the detective's flushed cheeks to notice the delay.

“Yeah it was,” Rafael replied, his lips quirking up into a smile, his eyes bright. “Same place tomorrow?”

“Ahhh,” Sonny paused a moment and hung his head to the side, avoiding the other man's eyes. “You know, I don't think I can. I mean, I don't think I should.”

Rafael stared at him.

“Okay,” he said slowly. An uneasy feeling spread through his chest.

“Yesterday was really nice,” Sonny continued, his eyes darting around the room. “But you know, it felt like, well a date. And if it was, I mean, since it was…”

He felt silent and breathed heavily for a few minutes. He finally met Rafael's gaze. Sonny's eyes were pleading.

“It _was_ a date,” Rafael said quietly. “Unless I deeply misread things.”

“You didn’t misread anything, I just...it was more than I was prepared for,” Sonny finished awkwardly. “Look, it’s not that I don’t like you, I really respect and admire you and you’ve taught me so much about being a lawyer-”

Rafael cut him off.

“Stop,” he said shortly, his hand raised in front of him as if he could physically push away the detective’s words. “Just stop. You should go now.”

Sonny looked miserable. He swallowed and ran both hands through his hair, ruffling it beyond repair. 

“I’m really sorry,” he whispered. “I just can’t-”

“I said you should go,” Rafael said sharply. He could feel embarrassment and hurt twist in his stomach and a dark flush began creeping from his chest to his neck. “Get out.”

The younger man stared at him for a moment and then turned and quickly left the office, his long legs traveling the distance to the door in just a few strides. As the door closed behind him Rafael let out a shaky breath and braced himself against his desk with one hand.

“Fuck,” he whispered aloud. Then again, louder and more forcefully. “ _Fuck_.”

A few moments later he had Olivia Benson on the phone.

“Liv,” he said, fighting to keep his voice steady. “I could really go for a drink. You free?”

“I’m sorry,” she replied. “I took the afternoon off to tour Noah’s new school. We’re running a few errands now if you want to come over in about an hour?”

Rafael took a second to consider. Her apartment, while comfortable and well stocked with decent liquor also meant he would be surrounded by evidence of her life outside of the office. Noah’s toys on every surface, Tucker’s sweater tossed over a chair, the occasional meal not ordered from a restaurant.

“No, that’s okay,” he answered. “You and Noah have fun. I’ll catch you tomorrow.”

He hung up before she could respond.

“Hey, there's that tie I like!” Olivia smiled at Rafael as he walked into her office first thing Friday morning. Her smile faltered. “Something tells me wearing the same tie twice in one week is probably a fashion faux pas. Is everything okay?”

Rafael looked down at his red tie. He snorted derisively and grimaced.

“I know you probably have plans with Tucker tonight, but could you have a drink with me before you head home?”

Olivia's eyes widened.

“Of course,” she said at once, watching the usually composed man before her twitch and fidget. “My office or yours?”

Rafael opened his mouth to speak then glanced out at the detective's desks.

“Mine,” he said finally. 

  
  


Rafael counted down the hours until he could finally collapse onto the couch in his office. When the time came he sank down into the leather cushions gratefully, too worn out to even pour himself a drink. Olivia tapped on the door a few minutes later and he waved her in.

“I'm sorry to keep you away from your plans tonight,” he said by way of greeting. “I’m sure you must be ready to get home.”

Olivia poured the drinks and passed one to Rafael before sinking back into the couch.

“It's okay, really,” she assured him. “Ed and Noah get along great and we'll have the whole weekend together.”

“I never actually said this, but I am happy for you and Tucker,” Rafael told her. “At the beginning I was angry that you would jeopardize our case, and maybe I've been a bit jealous since then, but I can see that you two have a good thing. And I'm glad.”

Olivia smiled slightly. “Thank you.”

“I've never been good at dating,” Rafael confessed. “After Harvard and moving out of the Bronx I thought it would be easier, but my ambition has always gotten in the way. I work too much for anything real, and when you want to be discreet you have to find similarly-minded men who want the same.”

He took a deep breath and continued.

“I have never assumed I would have a real relationship, anything lasting. But lately, there's been something real and good right within my grasp. At least I thought so.”

He stopped and looked down at his drink.

“I take it things have not gone well with Carisi,” Olivia said gently.

“Wednesday was perfect,” Rafael replied, his voice soft. “Coffee before work, then lunch. His idea. It was wonderful. And I thought it was the beginning of something. Then he comes in here yesterday in a panic to tell me he simply ‘can't’.”

Rafael looked down at the glass in his hands.

“I was an idiot.”

“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Rafael,” she told him.

He shook his head.

“I should have never asked him out. I should have known better. I mean, what clear-thinking Cuban-American man asks out a third generation Catholic detective from Staten Island?”

He was going for levity but it came out as bitter. Olivia grabbed his free hand and gave it a squeeze. When she made to pull away he held tight. 

“I know Sonny Carisi is a good man,” she told him. “He doesn’t have a manipulative bone in his body and he would never have intentionally misled you. I also know that he's young. Or at least younger than us.”

Rafael gave a small smile at that and she continued.

“He's come a long way since he started at SVU and he's grown. But he's still figuring out who he is,” Olivia said earnestly, “and maybe he's not quite ready to acknowledge who that might be.”

“Are you telling me it's hard for a presumably straight detective to admit they have feelings for an attractive ADA of the same gender?”

Rafael turned his head towards his friend as he spoke and gave her a wry look. 

“I already regret telling you that,” Olivia replied, but she was laughing. Rafael cracked a genuine, if short lived, smile.

He slid back onto the couch and dropped his head down onto Olivia’s shoulder.

“I fell in love with him, Liv,” he said quietly. “I was feeling old and alone and I let myself think something could happen.”

Olivia rested her head against his.

“I know,” she said sadly. 

They sat in silence for a few minutes. When Rafael finally spoke, his voice was very soft.

“What happens now?” 

“Now,” Olivia said slowly, lifting her head as she spoke, “now you and I set a regular date for drinks. Maybe Thursday nights? Shall we alternate between your office and mine?”

Rafael smiled.

“I’d like that.”

“And maybe we go shopping for some new ties. This one should probably be retired as a bad omen,” Olivia said, freeing her hand from his and tugging lightly on the red tie around his neck. “It didn’t bookend a very auspicious week.”

Rafael sighed deeply. “Agreed.”

He loosened the tie and pulled it off, tossing it onto the low table in front of them.

Rafael lifted his glass and clinked it against Olivia’s and the two friends finished their drinks in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was a reference to Alex/Olivia. And no I will never get over them.
> 
> The working title for this fic was "Red Tie Verse" because of the tie Barba will definitely never wear again.


	5. Friday (again)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: reference to suicide

“You wanna talk about it?”

Sonny hung his head and frowned.

“No.”

Amanda shrugged and turned back toward the TV, though she cut her eyes over to her partner every few minutes.

Sonny had been in a sulk since he had shown up at her apartment earlier that evening, insisting he just wanted to drink beer and catch up on their favorite shows. It was clear he had something weighing on him and Amanda, though typically one to allow people their privacy, had no patience for this dance tonight.

“Something is on your mind and you  _ are _ gonna tell me what it is,” she said finally, muting the tv and turning to face her friend. “That or you're gonna stop bumming me out while I'm trying to watch Amber find true love.”

Sonny sighed before rolling his head back and staring at the ceiling. 

“I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here when I was in such a funk.”

“Don't say that,” Amanda told him. “I want you to come to me when you need a friend. I just want you to talk to me about what's bothering you. Is it about work? Is it about...a guy?”

Sonny glared at her but nodded.

“I promised I wouldn't tell anyone and I haven't,” Amanda assured him. She remembered how distraught he was the night she jokingly called him “Jesse’s gay uncle”, not realizing she’d casually stumbled upon something he was desperate to keep in the proverbial closet.

She tried for some levity. “Hey, you know it’s not really so bad.  _ I _ like boys!”

Sonny rolled his eyes and did not smile.

“Okay, bad joke,” Amanda conceded. “But what's happened? I thought that was something you dealt with by, well, not dealing with it.”

“It was,” Sonny said, shifting uncomfortably on the couch. “But I...I had a date earlier this week. With a man.”

Amanda gasped dramatically and smacked Sonny on the arm.

“Oh my god,” she exclaimed. “You had a date? Tell me everything. Who was it?”

Sonny smiled slightly at her reaction and looked down at the carpet.

“Barba,” he replied, so quietly Amanda almost missed it.

“Wait, Barba?” Amanda said incredulously. “ _ Our _ Barba? ADA Barba?  _ That  _ Barba?”

Sonny nodded.

“Shut the front door! I mean, I’ve seen him check you out before and I knew you kinda had a crush on him, but I didn’t think you guys would actually… What happened to “denying your sinful nature” or whatever Catholic nonsense you were telling me about?”

Sonny shook his head and shrugged, looking miserable. Amanda grabbed his hand.

“Look,” she said, “I know you’re dealing with something big right now, but you have to tell me  _ everything _ . Okay?”

Sonny nodded and took a deep break.

“Okay,” he agreed. He proceeded to tell her about his date. “He asked me out for coffee, just the two of us. That’s where I was Wednesday morning. After coffee I asked if he was free for lunch, so later that day we grabbed sandwiches and sat on a bench across the street from the courthouse. Nothing fancy but…”

He trailed off and Amanda squeezed his hand encouragingly.

“It was nice,” he continued, his gaze falling back to the carpet. “We didn’t say much, just sat there next to each other. He kinda leaned over so our shoulders touched and...it was good. It felt right. But afterwards, after he went back to court, I lost it. I couldn’t think straight, I felt like I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs...the world was just closing in. I got in my car and drove around until I found a church. I couldn’t even go back to the office.”

He stopped speaking and refused to meet his partner’s gaze. After a moment she sighed.

“So you freaked out a little bit,” she said. “That’s not surprising considering how long you’ve put this off. So what’s the real problem?”

“I told Barba I couldn’t do,” Sonny waved his hands around vaguely, “this. I couldn’t go out with him again.”

“Okay, well you’re new at this, and I’m sure Barba will understand.”

“No he was real mad,” Sonny said.

“Well make it up to him,” Amanda replied. “Bring him an expensive coffee or buy him a bouquet of ties or something.”

Sonny hung his head. 

“What I told him was the truth, Amanda. I can’t go out with him.”

“Why? Because some priest told you to do a dozen hail marys, keep your eyes off of boys and you won’t go to hell?” Amanda voice was suddenly angry and hard. “I'm sorry, but that’s all bullshit.”

“You don’t understand,” he told her quietly.

“Then  _ make me _ .”

Sonny took another deep breath and let it out slowly. 

“When I was younger, the priests would warn us about lust and sin. They told us we would grow up having these sinful thoughts about women. I never had those kind of thoughts. I figured I was special, that I was somehow farther along in my path to God. I thought I could be a priest and truly know God’s will, you know?” 

He paused to shake his head over his own folly, then resumed. 

“I never wondered why I didn’t have those feelings, I just thought it was a good thing. When I was fifteen though, there was this older guy, Adam. He was about to start college and was spending the summer with his aunt who lived down the street from us. I could tell there was something different about him. The way he looked at me. The way it felt to look at him. I started having those sinful thoughts the priests warned us about, but about him.”

Sonny paused. Amanda waited until he was ready to resume his story.

“We spent a lot of time together that summer, and I told myself there was nothing wrong with that. But I knew there was something dirty somehow about spending time with him. I told the priest I had started having bad thoughts, but I told him they were about girls. One day, Adam, he...he kissed me. And I liked it, a lot. I let him kiss me again, and, do, things to me. It felt so good but afterwards I felt sick. I knew I had sinned. I went to this bridge a few miles over and I…

Amanda stared at Sonny, her eyes suddenly glinting with tears.

“You tried to kill yourself,” she whispered, throat suddenly tight.

Sonny nodded.

“Adam went to my sister, Theresa. Said he was worried about me and couldn’t find me. She knew I went to the bridge when I was upset, though I had never tried anything like this before. She made me come back with her and she took me to the church.”

Amanda made an angry sound.

“Back to the priests? So they could brainwash you some more?”   


Sonny shrugged.

“Theresa did the best she could. And she saved my life. If she’d taken me home and my parents had found out…” he paused and swallowed back the emotion that crept into his voice. “I decided I couldn’t be a priest. Not once I knew what was inside me. What I was. And I’ve never acted on those feelings since. I don’t go out with women. I would never lie and try to be something I’m not, but I can’t go out with men either.”

“So why did you go out with Barba?”

Sonny smiled suddenly, shyly. 

“I couldn’t help myself when he asked. I want to be around him all the time. I like the way he dresses, the way he talks. I like the way he looks at me after I’ve surprised him with something smart,” Sonny laughed a little. “I feel happy when I’m with him. I know it’s wrong, but-”

Amanda cut him off.

“Wrong according to the Church,” she said. “And I know how much your faith means to you, but I can’t support anything that tells you to cut off a part of who you are. You’ve met lots of gay people in this job, haven’t you? Fin’s son is gay and look at the family he has. Do you think he and his husband are going to hell for loving each other?”

Sonny looked at her, his expression helpless.

“I don’t know what to think, Amanda,” he told her honestly. “I know I don’t think gay people deserve to go to hell, and maybe I don’t even believe that they will any more, but I can’t shake that feeling about myself. That the way I feel is inherently sinful. I know I was happy with Barba on Wednesday, but afterwards I went to a deep dark place I haven’t been to in over a decade. I don’t want to hurt Barba-”

“He’s a grown man,” Amanda interjected. “And whatever he’s feeling right now, he can handle. I’m sure he’s called the lieutenant by now and she’ll make sure he’s okay. Right now, you need to worry about you. We need to find someone for you to talk to. Someone not from the Church.”

“Who?”

“I don’t know yet. But we’ll find somebody for you. I’m not qualified and I don’t know anyone personally. I mean, maybe if you were  _ addicted _ to men…”

Sonny groaned and pinched her leg in punishment for the joke. She laughed and swatted his hand away.

“No, that was a good one! You have to give me that!”

He grinned wryly. 

“Ehh, it was okay,” he told her, dutifully accepting the half hearted punch to the arm she sent his way. “Thank you. I’ve never been able to tell anybody about that before.”

Amanda smiled sadly.

“Well maybe one day you can tell Barba about it. Maybe even over dinner,” she said quietly. “You deserve to be happy, Sonny. You’re a good man and no amount of dogma is going to convince me otherwise.”

Sonny pulled her into a tight hug. 

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Amanda let a few tears escape then cleared her throat and pushed him away.

“You’re staying here tonight,” she told him. “Maybe even the whole weekend. Tomorrow morning you’re making us breakfast. If that’s not okay then you’re stuck with frozen waffles.”

They both laughed at that.

“You’re not worried about me being a bad influence on Jesse?” he asked, suddenly somber once again. “You know, since I’m such a mess?”

“Have you met me?” she asked dryly. “The only thing I worry about is my sweet baby girl picking up your dumb accent.”

“My accent?” Sonny protested. “What about yours? You wanna talk about dumb accents…”

Their happy banter continued for a while longer and when Sonny fell asleep on his partner’s couch a few hours later, it was a deeper and better sleep than he’d had in some time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


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